Exploring the connections between military service and high-control religious or spiritual upbringings and how this intersection uniquely impacts LGBTQ+ people
History reveals that LGBTQ+ people have served in the U.S. military since the Revolutionary War — although they wouldn’t have described themselves as such, given differences in language and societal norms. For example, Albert Cashier, whom we would today refer to as a transgender man, served in the Union Army during the Civil War and received a military pension. Even once it was discovered he was assigned female at birth, he received a military funeral.
Despite this long history of service by the LGBTQ+ community, it was only 13 years ago, in September 2011, that the military repealed Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) to allow lesbians, bisexuals, and gays to serve openly. It took several more years until transgender people could serve openly.
Even if an LGBTQ+ person is able to serve openly, it doesn’t mean they have support elsewhere in their lives. As a therapist who has worked with service members and their families for well over a decade, I keep hoping there will be a time when I don’t hear about a young service member being “disowned” by their family for being LGBTQ+. It’s far less frequent these days, yet it is still profoundly damaging and painful for the people it happens to.
Time and time again, I find that when there are negative attitudes towards LGBTQ+ individuals, they’re nearly always tied to religious doctrine. Recent research and publications show I’m not alone in these observations. I’ve also observed a connection between being raised in a high-control religion and being attracted to the military, often an unconscious decision. For those living at these intersections, it can be helpful to become aware of these connections.
How Religion Influences Military Service
While many civilians expressed relief when DADT was repealed, the decision to come out still weighs heavily on service members. Even if service members have highly supportive commanders and friends around them, if they’re from deeply conservative and religious families, coming out can still cause significant disruptions to family bonds.
As I wrote this article, I tried to recall if I ever met an LGBTQ+ service member who was cast out from their family for non-religious reasons. While it’s not an impossibility , I cannot think of a single instance where the family’s religious beliefs weren’t a significant part of that decision.
One reason for that is the military attracts recruits from high-control religious environments. Whether it’s deliberate or unintentional, I’m not alone in noticing this parallel. Harvard-trained cult scholar and U.S. Army veteran Daniella M. Young, the author of Uncultured, wrote about many of the parallels she observed between growing up in a high-control religion/cult and the military. Once pointed out, the parallels are clear:
She goes on to say that while other young recruits longed for the physical and emotional comforts of home, the dissociative blur she learned while being raised in the Children of God cult helped her cope with the military’s initial indoctrination. To be clear, not all high-control religions are cults, but all cults are typically high-control religious or spiritual spaces.
I cannot ignore Young’s compelling parallels between the total environment of the military, where all of the basics for survival are provided (e.g., food, clothing, housing, job training, and community), and other high-control religious environments.
Sacrifice of the Self
In my practice, I often see parallels in service members who come from a high-control religious background. Their religious upbringing and the military both value and encourage the suppression of the self for a larger cause. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard a service member or veteran cite the desire to be part of something “bigger than myself” as one of the reasons they joined the military.
On the surface, it sounds like a noble cause, and for many, it may be possible to maintain a healthy balance. On the other hand, suppression of the self for the sake of a larger cause — whether for God or service to the country — comes at a cost. In both contexts, acolytes and young service members are required, and may become accustomed to, yielding to an external authority.
According to Dr. Laura Anderson, author of When Religion Hurts You, when a person yields to an external authority for all important decisions — coupled with the suppression of individual desire —members of these groups may lose touch with their own sense of intuition, justice, and internal compass. In a recent training I attended with Dr. Anderson, she argued that the loss of intuition and internal compass is the whole point of high-control traditions. As the self is suppressed, she explained, it is replaced by an external authority.
When decisions are outsourced externally, it comes at a cost. Daniela Young’s TikTok channel provides humorous anecdotes about how people who get out of the military have to learn how to dress like adults, as they spent many of their young adult years wearing a uniform. I remember helping an active duty friend who was overwhelmed by shopping for civilian “business attire” as she prepared to start an assignment on Capitol Hill in D.C.
I’ve also come to understand that when someone leaves a high-control setting, whether it’s a religious community or the military, there can be grief associated with the loss of that structure. Or, as they settle into their lives outside of a high-control environment and experience more autonomy, they may feel grief as they realize they were shortchanged of certain experiences earlier in life.
How Military Service Influences Religious Beliefs
Enduring the frontlines of war can drive some service members to find or deepen their faith. Yet as a trauma specialist who worked with service members and families during the “Global War on Terror,” I watched more people experience their faith in the Divine (and humanity, for that matter) be shattered through exposure to existential threats and the harsh realities of combat.
I’ll never forget the client who landed in my office, his faith shaken to its absolute core after he visited a college friend who suffered a combat-related brain injury in Iraq. His local parish priest was not equipped to help him make sense of the pain. We sat together in my office in long silence.
Dr. Emma Smith, author
I wasn’t sure how equipped I was to make sense of something so horrific either. The difference between my approach and the priest was that I didn’t try to make sense of it or offer any answers. An existential approach holds space for the unimaginable without trying to jam it into a logic box or come up with answers. Besides, what explanation could suffice?
At the same time, exposure to harsh combat environments can forge some of the most profound bonds that exist between humans — even among humans who have wildly different racial, ethnic, socio-economic, educational, and religious backgrounds and sexual identities.
Even at home and during peacetime, one of the most extraordinary — almost magical aspects of the military — is its unique ability to bring people together from all walks of life. The military exposes people to the broadest fabric of American life, from the most privileged to the most marginalized.
You Might Be Welcome Here. It Depends.
When a person broadens their social experiences, it can actually bring people into faith communities. Away from home for the first time, some service members may find themselves invited into affirming faith communities that they never knew existed before joining the military. For those lucky enough to serve in units with open and affirming leadership and chaplains, LGBTQ+ service members may feel welcomed and confident to be who they are for the first time.
The experience can be a mixed bag. Of the three units I was attached to during my time as a therapist for the Marine Corps, two of the chaplains were affirming, sincere, and warm with service members of all sexual and gender identities. One was not.
I remember speaking with a service member who is a lesbian. As a medical provider, she worked closely with the chaplains to support their troops. She shared how she formed a bond and friendship with one chaplain, and when she planned to get married, she asked that chaplain to perform the service.
She shared that the chaplain was not allowed to perform the marriage ceremony. Even though he supported her decision to get married and saw the union as a blessing, his sponsor (the faith community where he was ordained) was not LGBTQ+ affirming. As you can imagine, she and her partner were deeply disappointed, and the chaplain himself was pained by having to decline.
When I was embedded as a therapist in units aboard Camp Lejeune, MCB Quantico, and Marine Barracks Washington, I encouraged couples to regularly attend relationship intensives. These retreats have the potential to provide service members and their spouses with profound, valuable experiences and an incredible opportunity to reconnect deeply as a couple.
One I recommended was the military-run “Strong Bonds” marriage retreats, which are often held in desirable locations with provided childcare. However, given that “Strong Bonds” retreats are run by military chaplains, LGBTQ+ service members may have mixed experiences and risk feeling unwelcome.
In 2023, I observed a Strong Bond retreat held in Dallas, Texas, with LGBTQ+ couples in attendance. Unfortunately, the speaker who facilitated the training was deeply involved with “Focus on the Family,” an anti-LGBTQ+ Christian ministry. I can only imagine how the LGBTQ+ attendees must have felt.
Photo by cottonbro studio
Awareness Makes a Difference
Undoubtedly, progress has been made toward the acceptance and inclusion of LGBTQ+ service members within the U.S. military. Yet profound challenges remain, particularly for those from conservative or religious backgrounds.
The military’s unique intersection with high-control religious environments can create an added layer of complexity for individuals grappling with their identities. At the same time, the military continues to serve as a place where diverse experiences and beliefs collide, sometimes deepening faith or, in other cases, shattering it.
Ultimately, the journey of LGBTQ+ service members reflect both the broader societal shifts and the deeply personal struggles that come with navigating one’s identity in an institution historically tied to traditional values and rigid structures. As a therapist and ally, my role is to provide compassionate, non-judgmental support as these individuals continue to forge their paths — both within and outside the military.
If you are grappling with feelings of confusion, pain, or trauma related to the intersection of faith, military service, and LGBTQ+ identity, you can seek support from a military-affiliated therapist or identify in-person or virtual mental health providers and support groups in your community. When you seek support, it can offer a safe space to explore and process these challenges, provide clarity, and help you move forward with a deeper sense of self-awareness and empowerment.
You can find an array of LGBTQ+ military and veteran related community resources on Modern Military’s LGBTQ+ and HIV Resource page and Health and Wellness page. Modern Military also offers peer-led support groups:
- Modern Military’s Strong Communities is hosted on the third Monday of every month at 8 pm ET for LGBTQ+ service members, veterans, and their partners.
- In partnership with PFLAG, Modern Military hosts PFLAG Connects: Military Communities for parents of LGBTQ+ military-affiliated youth on the second Monday of every month at 9 pm ET.
- In January 2025, Modern Military will offer resiliency circles, case management, and peer support as part of their suicide prevention efforts.
Connect with the experts mentioned within the article:
- Dr. Laura Anderson, religious trauma expert: https://drlauraeanderson.com
- Daniella Mestyanek Young, Army veteran and author of Uncultured: https://uncultureyourself.com
About the Author
Emma Smith, PhD, LPC, CST, CCTP (she/her) is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Nashville, TN, and serves clients in TN, TX, VA, MD, and Washington, D.C. Dr. Emma is certified in trauma and transgender healthcare, as well as an AASECT-certified sex therapist.
She works from an existential-feminist and trauma-informed lens. In her private practice, she provides individual and relationship therapy and consultation focusing on sexual and religious trauma, sex therapy, and LGBTQ+ healthcare.
Previously, Dr. Emma held civilian positions with the U.S. Marine Corps, served on advisory boards for military families, and was an early supporter of open transgender military service. Contact Dr. Emma via email (emma@soliloquie.co) or Instagram (@emmasmithphd or @soliloquie.therapy).
