A Chaplain’s Mission to Understand and End Religious Rejection

When I embarked on my journey as an Army chaplain, I was largely oblivious to the pervasive gender-based discrimination that would inevitably confront me. Had I fully comprehended the challenges that lay ahead, I might have reconsidered my decision and averted the impending emotional turmoil.

As a Roman Catholic woman seeking ordination in a church that categorically rejects the ordination of women, I entered an Army predominantly comprised of men — some of whom harbor antiquated, gendered views regarding female soldiers.

I joined a Chaplain Corps, also overwhelmingly dominated by men, some of whom were quick to remind me of their denominations' stance against female preachers. Furthermore, I joined a Chaplain Corps where my inclusive and affirming theology, which embraces the LGBTQ+ community, often clashed with the majority of conservative views within.

I’ve questioned throughout my life if I’m a member of the LGBTQ+ community. I think I’m likely somewhere on the beautiful spectrum. Regardless of my identity, I’m passionate about being an affirming ally. I could fill a book with the reasons and personal experiences that shaped my values on this. They include listening to "Pieces of You" by Jewel as a teenager; reading "The Color Purple" in high school and understanding why a woman who was raped would desire companionship with women for the rest of her life; hearing horrible stories of historical violence against LGBTQ+ people; and so on.

In some Christian spaces, the biggest reason people give for being anti-LGBTQ+ has to do with select Bible verses. A major part of my ministry is to try to undo the damage caused by weaponization of the Bible. It’s my belief that these people do not understand the true history of the Bible and cherry pick its words to form or confirm their own prejudices. This leads many to reject their own flesh and blood. While their rejection is not okay, I found I can better cope with the impact of this rejection when I try to understand some of the underlying causes. This allows me to find ways to combat it.

Feeling the Pain of Religious Rejection

Facing rejection — especially due to an inherent trait like your sex, gender identity, sexual orientation, or race — is a deeply painful experience, and can trigger the same neural pathways as physical pain.

While I previously encountered rejection from individuals in the hierarchy of the Roman Catholic Church and from several members of the military, their rejection did not elicit any physical pain. They certainly provoked anger, but the physical pain was most acute when rejection emanated from my own family, loved ones, and spiritual mentors.

Their rejection struck a profound chord, rendering my years of dedication, education, military training, and personal and spiritual transformation as seemingly inconsequential.

A few weeks after my ordination, a woman I deeply respected and admired as one of my spiritual mentors sent me several emails containing voluminous documents that outlined the alleged unsuitability of women for the priesthood.

My own brother, a devout Catholic, severed ties with me. Other family members responded to my discussions about preaching with hurtful laughter and eye-rolling. I frequently find myself in gatherings where participants seek a pre-meal blessing, but no one even considers the possibility that I would be a suitable candidate to offer it.

If a male Catholic priest were present, the request would automatically be directed towards him. Those experiences left me feeling as though fundamental aspects of my identity were completely negated.

This is precisely why suicide is a leading cause of death among LGBTQ+ people, a marginalized group that continues to face widespread societal rejection. Some of the most egregious offenders are religious institutions that weaponize their sacred texts to justify their discriminatory views. Their "God" is a mouthpiece for their own rejection, as one cannot argue with a deity.

Understanding Ancient Causes of Rejection

You may have experienced the sting of rejection on numerous fronts: in the military, politics, society at large, and most painfully, within your own family. When you’re feeling rejected, I think it can help to understand some of the deeper, underlying causes of rejection that many people may not be aware of. This is not to accept or make excuses for it, but to frame it as something that’s not personal.

Deep-rooted patterns of discrimination and rejection, prevalent in many facets of our world, are remnants of the tribalistic stage of evolution. Tribalism was historically a necessary survival mechanism, keeping groups together, loyal, and cooperative — to ensure the expulsion of group members who posed a threat of disease or infection.

While this practice may seem heartless and morally reprehensible today, early Homo sapiens lacked the knowledge of epidemiology. Consequently, any noticeable differences among members of a tribe were deemed a threat to the survival of the species, leading to the ostracism of those individuals. Fear of those outside a tribe and rejection of differences were historically biologically-ingrained survival skills.

As much as we would like to think of ourselves as modern, self-aware, evolved people, some of these ancient instincts linger. When contemporary people aren’t aware of these outdated tendencies and don’t work to overcome them, they can manifest in very real ways, especially among those who are more vulnerable to tribalism — like those who have not had much exposure to people who are different from them.

Common ways that tribalism manifests include rejection and discrimination within minority religions or groups (like the LGBTQ+ community). When I witness members of society perpetuating these exclusionary modes of thinking, my knowledge of brain and social evolution helps me to extend compassion and patience to those who are unable to move beyond their tribalistic mentality.

Overcoming the Tribalistic Brain

When we’re aware of some of the root causes of rejection, it can create a sense of understanding so we don't harbor as much pain and hate towards our offenders. Reframing discrimination as a vestigial tribalistic instinct helps me take back or uphold my self-worth and understand that the hate/fear of my detractors has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.

My journey through gender-based discrimination, which culminated in excommunication from the Roman Catholic Church, was a surprising gift for my personal growth. Initially the experience was painful, but it ultimately revealed my own blind spots and biases.

The rejection I faced led me to discover many more inclusive and accepting communities; ones that truly embody the principles of unconditional love and inclusion. Through organizations like the Association of Roman Catholic Women Priests and the Integral Christian Network, I found people who preach and teach that diversity and differences are not to be feared but embraced as integral aspects of our humanity and evolution.

As marginalized and rejected members of society, I learned that LGBTQ+ people’s mere presence can serve as a powerful agent of change. By occupying spaces where we are often excluded, we challenge prevailing norms and prejudices. Our existence within institutions like the military can compel others to reconsider their preconceived notions and dismantle tribalistic tendencies.

When I attended the Chaplain Basic Officer Leadership Course and outperformed the lone male Roman Catholic priest in the class, it forced others to question their biases about women and reprogram their entrenched beliefs. It’s my hope that this prompted some of them to confront the preconceived notions that women are ill-suited for ministry and compelled them to create new mental frameworks.

Even in deeply conservative or patriarchal church environments, the presence of LGBTQ+ people can ignite a spark of change. While it can be painful to endure homophobic or misogynistic sermons — something we shouldn’t have to do — our enduring presence and ability to show up as our true, best selves can challenge harmful beliefs and pave the way for a more inclusive future.

If we perceive and use our marginalization and rejection as a tool to propel collective evolution, we can recognize our immense worth and embrace the imperative to educate those still trapped in tribalistic thought patterns. People whose minds are capable of embracing diversity and differences offer a beacon of hope for a world in desperate need of transformation.